


Sufficiently Advanced Technology

by theorytale



Series: The Saga of Hug Fortress [5]
Category: Marvel Avengers Movies Universe, The Avengers (2012)
Genre: F/M, M/M, Turducken
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-09-11
Updated: 2012-09-11
Packaged: 2017-11-14 00:39:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,210
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/509476
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theorytale/pseuds/theorytale
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tony turns out to be too talented for his own good, Loki turns out to have nonviolent hobbies (occasionally), there are some questionable decisions, and overuse of the word 'turducken'.</p>
<p>(AKA another installment of "Loki and Tony Stark Sit in a Room and Talk".)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sufficiently Advanced Technology

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry for the delay; I had to be offline for a while to get some things sorted out.

Tony rotated the model he was working on, a stripped-down template of the Iron Man suit's torso. "So - hypothetically - what kind of effort would it take to magic-proof the armor?"

"That depends," Loki answered without looking at him. "What manner of spell do you want to counter?"

Loki was standing with his head tilted to one side, examining Dummy. Dummy was doing his best impression of a petrified rabbit, because even a robot knew when mortal danger was staring it in the face. Hand. Handface.

Maybe it was a bad idea having Loki in the workshop, but there was nothing particularly incriminating in view. Even the staff they'd taken off Loki a while back was in one of the actual laboratories. (Honestly, they were running out of tests for it, but Tony refused to turn it over to SHIELD just on general principle.) The only real downside was having to keep the music volume low.

"Uh, all of them?" Tony gestured loosely in the air, vaguely circular. "You know, some kind of shielding that blocks all that voodoo that you do."

Loki chuckled, reaching a hand out to Dummy, who squeaked and wheeled rapidly backwards. "You're like a child. How you can have such an aptitude for atomic magic, and be so ignorant of it--"

"What the hell is atomic magic, because that sounds like an oxymoron to me."

Loki paced towards him, stopping on the other side of the desk. "Atomic magic contains the workings you call physics, chemistry, biology. There are other forms. Pathway magic, temporal magic, transformation. Magic of the spirits. Many more."

"That's creepy," Tony said. "You're creepy. Science is not a school of magic, it's _science_."

Loki smirked a little in that way that usually meant he was feeling prickly about something. "What's the matter, Glowheart? Wielder of Atoms? Surely you're not afraid I'll think you less of a man."

"No, that's _your_ cultural hang-up, not ours. 'Wielder of Atoms' is pretty good, though, I like that, that one can stay." Tony paused, and added just to see Loki's eyes go wide, "Actually, I'm pretty sure there are still way more men than women in science."

" _Strange_ creatures," Loki murmured, appraising him. "No wonder you are unashamed to wear it as a badge."

"Wear--" The arc reactor. Loki was talking about the arc reactor. Tony looked down, touching his t-shirt where a faint glow was seeping through. If science was magic, and magic was women's work, then showing off the arc reactor must be something like prancing around in a frilly pink dress - although in his defense, he did usually try to keep it pretty covered. "Yeah, well, this frilly pink dress is keeping me alive, thanks. Also, I invented a _whole new element_ , which is a testament to my sheer awesome, no matter what your overly macho jock planet thinks. I was nominated for a Nobel prize. I should have won, I was cheated, it was an outrage."

He frowned as a new thought occurred to him. "Hang on. Does this mean your little nicknames are just your way of calling me a woman? Are you insulting me? Now, that's rude. Us nerds have to stick together."

"I assure you," Loki said, looking amused, "they are purely an expression of my regard for your abilities."

That was a blatant lie. "That's a blatant lie," Tony accused, "but it's all right, because now you're going to explain to me why I can't magic-proof my armor."

Loki gestured at the model, and tiny little holographic termites started eating away at it. "Forget all of magic. Think smaller. What would it take to shield you from the effects of, say, chemistry?"

"What do you mean, 'the effects of chemistry', chemistry's not a-- A specific reaction, sure, or process--" Tony sighed, raking a hand through his hair. "You know what, I'm really starting to hate your little magic talks. Why does magic always lead to incredibly annoying analogies with you?"

Loki smiled, somewhere between condescending and smug. "They only annoy you because you don't like the answers I give."

"That's… completely beside the point." Tony wiped the model away and then pulled it back up, sans termites. "What about those guys in San Francisco, you know, when you were stealing the enchanted flowerpot? They had magic shields, I saw them."

"To counter specific spells being directed at them, which they adapted as I adjusted my attacks." Loki's tone suggested this was something a five-year-old should know, so maybe it was even true.

Or maybe Loki just didn't want to help, given that the results were likely to wind up being used against him. Tony couldn't really blame him for that.

"Here," Loki said, with a little sigh, "let me--" He lowered his head a little, leaning forward to sketch in the air where the holographic chestplate was. Blue lines sprang into existence at his touch, angular and rune-like but definitely not the Norse runes Tony had seen online.

"I shouldn't be doing this," Loki muttered, as if to himself, but the flick of his eyes betrayed him: the way he peeked up from under his lashes, checking Tony's reaction. This whole thing was staged, calculated to make Tony feel grateful, make him owe Loki something.

Tony wanted to think he was getting better at picking up on emotional manipulation, after… some of the people he'd known. He had a disappointing suspicion, though, that it was just easier with Loki because he was already on guard. He knew what to expect from Loki.

He studied the rune design, mentally flipping it around to view it from the front. "What do these do, besides look fancy?"

"It's a small spell of protection," Loki said, straightening again.

Tony folded his arms, unimpressed. "You just said general protection wasn't possible."

Loki looked about to copy him, then stopped and left his hands by his sides. He raised an eyebrow instead, in a mix of amusement and annoyance. That was a pretty common expression for him, come to think of it. "I could explain to you exactly how this bends the energies of fortune, and you would protest that luck is not a manipulatable property as mass or momentum are, and I would spend some time insulting your limited understanding of the universe; _or_ , you could simply believe me when I tell you that this is different to what you were asking for."

"But you can't--" With an effort, Tony stopped himself. Otherwise this really would just end up in Loki making fun of him, and of science, for far too long. And by 'far too long' he meant 'any time at all'. He made himself smile brightly. "So, a small spell of protection, that's neat."

Loki gave a silent laugh.

Tony checked the model on one of his screens to make sure the new design was saved to file, and not just on the 3D hologram. He could try to reproduce it from memory, but this was probably the kind of thing that needed precision. "Well, unless it's a spell of something else, like hijacking the suit or making the weapons misfire..."

Quick hurt flashed across Loki's face before being covered by a thin smile. It was probably supposed to make Tony feel guilty. Ha. The day he felt bad for mistrusting _Loki_ was the day it was time to call this whole thing off, because he would clearly have lost his mind.

"Check it with Thor, you imbecile."

"Oh, like it's so hard for you to get one over on Thor," Tony retorted, rolling his eyes, although showing it to Thor was exactly what he intended to do. He mostly said it to watch Loki preen, because that was hilarious. "Seriously though, atomic magic, I know you're bullshitting me."

Loki gave a sly smile, silently laughing at him. "Am I? Are you so certain?"

_Definitely_ bullshitting him. At most, it was an analogy for something else. "I'm pretty sure you've got a daily bullshit quota that you need to fill. Which has been said about me, so don't think I'm complaining. Just don't expect me to take you too seriously."

"I would never presume to expect anything from you," Loki said loftily.

"See? More bullshit," Tony said, and Loki gave a small laugh.

After a moment, Loki turned his attention back to Dummy, stalking curiously across the floor. Dummy looked left and right for an escape, then cowered a little, making Tony frown.

"You're not hurting him, are you? Because that's not okay, just because he's made of metal doesn't mean--"

"No," Loki said distractedly, "I just want to see--" He stopped in front of Dummy and ran a hand along one metal strut. Small green sparks trailed in the wake of his touch. He made a surprised, thoughtful noise.

"What is it?" Tony asked, leaning forward over his desk a little to get a better view. Dummy didn't look like it was hurting. Actually, the way Dummy craned around seemed more startled than anything else.

"I'm not a craftsman." Loki didn't look up from his examination. "I haven't the knack for imbuing things with the proper spirit. I seldom get the opportunity to study a true craftsman's work - especially as the dwarves are so mistrustful of me," he added, a smirk in his voice.

Imbuing. Spirit. _Dwarves_. Tony twitched, feeling a headache coming on. He refused to think about what Loki was implying. "I-- Please stop saying things like that."

Loki snickered a little, glancing at him. "Oh _dear_. Have I made you uncomfortable, Glowheart?"

"Not at all, O Long and Flowing Locks." Tony watched Loki's eyes narrow suspiciously and decided to hurry the conversation along before he got himself challenged to a duel. "So, homophobia in Asgard, it works differently, right?"

Loki's eyes unfocused briefly, then he looked startled by whatever it was the translation magic in his head had told him. "What a curious word. Why would anyone care if you bed another man so long as you are not unmanned in the doing?"

"Oh, yeah, being creepily invested in exactly what position people are in makes much more sense." Tony snorted, then paused to consider what he'd said. "Well, to be fair, there are people here who think like that too. Closeted frat boys, mostly. Me, I don't give a damn who is doing what in bed with who, so long as everybody's having a good time. Hell, it doesn't even need to be in a bed. In a hot tub, on a sports car, up against the wall… you know. Or uh. Wherever you people have it in Asgard, I don't know, on your Viking longboats, or…"

The bland stare Loki was giving him was getting really unnerving. Tony stopped listing off places to have sex and awkwardly cleared his throat. "Anyway. People are judgmental assholes, what can I say."

"Hmm." Loki looked at Dummy again, then cut his eyes back to Tony. "And I suppose you claim to care nothing for these judgments."

Tony laughed, not even on purpose. That was just… funny. Of course; Loki hadn't showed up on Earth until after Tony had gotten his act together with Pepper and settled down some. "Jarvis, you wanna give us a little presentation here? Show the man my greatest hits."

One of the walls lit up and Jarvis started a slideshow of past scandals, flicking through tabloid pages and paparazzi shots slow enough for Loki to catch the gist of each one. Dummy took the opportunity to go hide. Tony waved away the 3D hologram he'd been working on and walked around the desk.

"You see," he said, leaning back against it, "I'm _Tony Stark_. I do what I want, with whoever I want to do it with, and anyone who doesn't like it can go to hell. So the vultures like to gossip, so what. I win. I won before they even opened their mouths, and you know why?"

"I suspect you're going to tell me," Loki murmured drily.

Tony ignored the sarcasm and spread his hands for emphasis, because this was a lesson that would do Mister Inferiority Complex a _world_ of good. "I'm rich. I'm good-looking. I'm a genius. I'm _royalty_. They can drop all the sneering, moralistic bullshit they want; at the end of the day, I'm better than them, and they know it."

Loki frowned a little; he was partway there, but not quite sold.

"Come _on_ ," Tony said impatiently. "Why would I take these jackasses seriously? I _own_ most of them. In fact, yeah, I can destroy their lives without so much as lifting a finger. The only reason they still have anything is because I _let_ them." He grinned a little more savagely than he meant to.

It got Loki's attention all right. A sharp, intense look of interest. "They exist at your mercy."

"You have a fundamentally creepy worldview, don't you. Yes, fine, they exist at my mercy." Tony didn't usually put it into words like that. Or at all. It actually sounded pretty bad out loud. It was a good thing they had these conversations in private, because goddamn if Loki didn't keep bringing out his amoral asshole tendencies. "Jarvis, you can shut that off now."

The history lesson shut off, but Jarvis said, "Are you certain, sir? There's no shortage of material if you'd like to continue."

"Mock all you want, Jarvis. You're just jealous because I'm better-looking than you are."

"My code is impeccable, sir, as you well know."

Loki hummed to himself and gave a faint smile. "The orchard, by the way."

Tony frowned, trying to fit that into the conversation. "I don't follow."

"Sex, on Asgard." Loki smirked, quick flick of tongue. He moved towards Tony with that slow, steady prowl, coat swaying. His voice dipped into a low, throaty purr. "The palace is full of hidden nooks and crannies, but I always preferred the orchard. The caress of the breeze. The smell of growing things. So… _alive_."

So. Talking about having people at his mercy made Loki hit on him. Duly noted. Tony swallowed and tried for a flippant tone. "The risk of someone walking past and seeing?"

"Oh, yes." Loki came right into his personal space, eyes gleaming. "What _would_ they say if they caught us?"

He was... not talking about back on Asgard.

Impossibly, Loki leaned even closer, bracing his hands on the desk on either side of Tony's body. "There's something… enticing, about doing what is forbidden. Wouldn't you agree?"

Yes, oh god. This was such dirty pool.

The reason Loki mashed all his 'ooh, bad for me' buttons was that _Loki was bad for him_. Tony took a breath, mentally shaking himself. "Yeah," he said out loud, sliding his hands up Loki's chest - and good god, Loki's eyes just came _alive_ with hunger and delight, that wasn't, that couldn't be natural, wow - and taking hold of the coat's lapels.

Then it was pull, hip check, leg sweep, and Loki was on the ground staring up at him in shocked outrage.

Tony was a little shocked himself. Natasha had been trying to teach him, and he'd practiced on Steve, but so far he'd assumed Steve was just going along with the move to spare his feelings. "Wow. I didn't actually think that would work."

Loki rolled to his feet, scowling.

"That, I want to learn," Tony said, pointing at him. "The way you move, you make everything you do look like a… I don't know, like an exercise in fluid dynamics, it's fantastic. Can you teach me that?"

"You are--" Loki snarled, then stopped in evident frustration.

Quite truthfully, Tony said, "I have that effect on a lot of people."

Loki sneered and turned away, stalking angrily to the other end of the workshop. Tony was just glad Loki hadn't punched him. A punch from Loki, without his suit, would probably crack his skull open.

"Coffee?" he asked, strolling over to the machine.

"No. You make it too bitter." Loki was picking up and putting down pieces of metal seemingly at random, basically sulking.

Aw, hell, maybe Tony should--

No. Fuck that. Abruptly, he was fed up with this bullshit. Loki had no right to be pissed at _him_ , and he sure as hell didn't feel bad about it. "There was a coffee shop down the road that used to make the perfect mochaccino, but you _blew it up_ , so I can't really recommend the place."

He'd never even bothered to learn his favorite barista's name. Now here he was, regularly hanging out with the guy responsible for her death. Fuck Loki. Fuck Thor and Odin too, for that matter; Loki _deserved_ to be executed. If Tony thought there was a chance it wouldn't bring down war from Asgard, he'd be right there with Clint and the others watching the asshole fry. So Loki was crazy, boo-hoo - that crazy wouldn't come out hateful and murderous unless that potential was _in_ Loki to begin with.

Hell, if things kept going the way they were, then sooner or later going to war with Asgard would be the lesser evil.

Loki gave a derisive snort. "Don't pretend it's some great loss. Your city is hardly wanting for coffee merchants."

"Innocent people dying is always a great loss."

"As if any among you is truly innocent--"

"You think genocide is a great self-esteem booster, you're not really in a position to debate morality and ethics with me." Bringing up frost giants was a bad idea. It was always a bad idea, Tony knew that, and he said it anyway.

Loki's face twisted in anger and disgust, and he took a few steps forward. " _They_ are as far from innocent as a creature can be."

"Well, I've only ever met one frost giant, and he's a _psychotic murderer_ , so maybe you're right."

Faster than physics should allow, Loki crossed the distance between them and slammed Tony against the wall, arm across his windpipe. Tony's teeth clacked together as the back of his head hit. He was pretty sure his eyes lost focus for a moment. Ow, goddamn, that hurt, and when the _fuck_ was he going to learn to shut his mouth?

Probably never.

"Sir," Jarvis said, an edge to his voice that suggested his comment was more for Loki's benefit, "would you like me to call the Avengers down?"

"I can gut you and be gone before your familiar even finishes speaking," Loki hissed.

Tony wheezed, struggling to force air through his throat against the press of Loki's arm. He managed to rasp out, "Don't leave me in suspense."

He wasn't even scared. It was odd. He was just pissed off, and a little bit weirdly detached. If he let Loki kill him, Pepper was going to be so mad--

Loki backed off, teeth bared in a silent snarl. Tony leaned against the wall for a few moments to catch his breath. His head throbbed. He hadn't lost consciousness, he probably didn't have a concussion, right? He rubbed his throat with a grimace. "Jarvis, stand down."

Loki pointed a finger at him and said, "Don't speak of things you do not understand."

"Don't expect me to be okay with all your _dead people_ ," Tony snapped back, folding his arms.

Loki glared, right hand flexing like he wanted to reach for a weapon or cast a spell. "I think we're done here--"

"Oh, hell no." Tony unfolded his arms and pushed off the wall. He knew that tell. He would physically tackle Loki if he had to. "Don't you dare go kill someone because you're pissed off at _me_. Either take it out on me, or suck it up and deal with it like a grown-up. You have met grown-ups, I assume?"

"You presume to command me?"

"Why not?" This was stupid, it was never going to work. Good god, his head hurt. "I'm king here, remember? You're on my turf. And _as king_ I'm saying, the line for complaints starts and ends with me."

Loki opened his mouth, then stopped short. It looked like Tony had actually managed to surprise the anger right out of him. Instead he laughed, sounding genuinely amused, and _wow_ that was patronizing.

"Oh, well done," Loki said, still smiling. "You're not _my_ king, of course. But I will not go to war with you today."

Loki was already at war with him. Loki was at war with _Earth_. Tony bit his tongue - see, he was capable of it - and tried to let some of the tension drain out of his body. He backed towards the coffee machine, where his cup had tipped over, then thought better of it. Coming down from the adrenaline rush, he actually felt a little nauseated.

King Tony, of Stark Industries. Who'd have thought.

Pity that wouldn't stretch far enough to commanding Loki to just quit attacking Earth.

"This isn't the first time I've upset a foreign king," Loki offered, almost conciliatory.

_Upset or assassinated?_ Tony wanted to ask, but bit his tongue again. No more Jotunheim talk. He sighed and ran a hand over his face. Breathe. Compartmentalize. Or, if he couldn't be friendly right now, he could at least try to be kind of non-confrontational. "Yeah? How'd that go?"

Loki sat down cross-legged on the floor, and took a moment to arrange his coat around himself. "It was several hundred years ago. I-- When we were young, Thor and I were sent on diplomatic missions as a pair. This was the first time we had been sent to separate realms."

Tony snagged his chair out from behind the desk, because he was not young enough to just flop down wherever he happened to be, the way Loki did. He prodded the back of his head and winced. "First time off the leash, huh? That's always a good time."

Loki raised an eyebrow at him, but seemed to decide not to take offense. "Alfheim has four Underkings and a High King, who are re-elected at various intervals according to the stars. The High King on this visit was a woman I had met before--"

"Woman?"

"King is the best word for the role," Loki said with a shrug. "At any rate, I had met her when she was Underking, and her husband and I spent some time in conversation while the others were busy posturing. Apparently he was widely regarded as being both keen of mind and pleasing to the eye, and I found myself agreeing with that assessment quite rapidly. So, when she was High King, I observed all the appropriate formalities in my time with her, but I made it my goal to become… better acquainted with her husband."

"So, Thor wasn't there to chaperone, and you nailed the First Lady," Tony translated. "I can see how that would be an issue."

Loki better not try pulling that shit with Pepper. It was the sort of thing that made for a fun mental image if fantasy was all it ever stretched to, but the idea that Loki might even _think_ about her that way made Tony want to stab things. Tall, Loki-shaped things.

"There was also a small theft from the Museum of Mages," Loki said comfortably, "but as I told them, surely if I had committed it there would have been traces of their wards on me."

"And did you?" Tony asked, just to see what Loki would say.

"Not that anyone could prove." Loki smiled, a kind of sly nostalgia in his voice. "And the High King hardly wished to make public her husband's indiscretion. So…" He made a vague, open-handed gesture. "I was politely asked not to return for the remainder of her rule."

Tony snorted. "So, a rousing success for diplomacy, then."

Loki kept smiling, but stopped looking quite in his direction. "Meanwhile, Thor had gotten drunk and almost started a blood feud in Svartalfheim, so that was the last - and only - time we were sent as separate delegations."

Tony could see that, actually. Thor to keep a more sane version of Loki in check; Loki to calm a younger, more impulsive version of Thor. It slotted in with some of the stories Thor had told. "Yeah, you know, he says he doesn't know how he's going to rule without you at his side."

All the good humor evaporated from Loki's face as if it had never been. "You mean at his feet," he spat, rising fluidly to his own feet. "Enough. I am in no mood for talk of Thor."

Tony held up both hands, palms out, in a gesture of surrender. For now, anyway. He wasn't giving up. For one thing, he was mortal, and Loki… wasn't. For another, some things would just have more weight coming from another Asgardian. And besides all that? Thor was Loki's _brother_. Thor wanted to be here, doing this. Tony was just… filling in for a while until that was possible again.

If he'd really 'won' Loki in a duel, then he was going to find a way to _give him back_.

In lieu of anything better to say, he asked, "Does Alfheim have the same sex hang-ups as Asgard?"

"Not… exactly." Loki looked thoughtful. "They have been adopting the customs of Asgard, but more as a fashion than as law. Alfheim has always been quicker to change."

"Yeah, it sounds like Asgard has been kind of…"

"Stagnant?" Loki said tartly.

"Not exactly the word I was going to use." Tony cocked his head, studying Loki. "But you want it to change."

Loki started to pace, and his voice took on the intense quality it did when he was making supervillain speeches. "Of course I want it to change. Change is the natural course of life. Change is organic. It makes us evolve, makes us _thrive_."

He stopped in place and extended a hand towards Tony. "One thing Midgard can be proud of is how swiftly your entire world changes. How your short lives drive you. Living, Tony Glowheart, is all about change. Asgard grows stale and weak, while the other realms simply _grow_. Without change, one may as well be dead."

Huh. And what was it like as God of Chaos, growing up in a world that was so… constant? Tony turned that puzzle piece over in his head a few times, mulling it over before he slotted it in with the rest.

In the meantime, Loki looked up, attention apparently caught by the speakers. "This song is to Valhalla?"

"Mm?" Oh, yeah, _Immigrant Song_. "Jarvis, start this track over. Up the volume a little."

Loki listened curiously for a while, then he said, "There are no hot springs on Jotunheim."

"Yeah, um, I don't think Robert Plant was actually singing about Jotunheim." Tony scratched the side of his head, mindful of the dull heat at the back where a lump had probably formed. "So, hey, Earth music, what's your verdict? I should play you some Bowie, sexually ambiguous space alien seems right up your alley."

"I'm fond of orchestral," Loki said absently, either missing the implication or refusing to take the bait. "So many different sounds overlaid on one another."

"New York's full of orchestras. The Philharmonic's pretty famous. Uh, maybe try not to blow them up, they can keep making sounds, everybody wins."

"Yes, yes." Loki waved a hand at him dismissively, still focused on the music.

Tony ground his teeth together so hard his jaw ached.

Okay. He had to relax, and not pick a fight. Compartmentalize. The point was to finish this conversation without Loki wanting to kill people. Preferably without himself wanting to kill people either.

Tony shifted on the chair, hitching one leg up to fold under the other, ankle hooked under knee. "So we have short lives, fast-changing societies, and orchestral music. What else do you like about Earth? Rollercoasters? Turducken? Women's beach volleyball? C'mon, give."

"Tropical fish," Loki said, apparently in all seriousness. "And showers. Turducken?"

"Yeah, obscene food inventions, it's a national sport." Tony waved it off. "Are you serious? Nowhere else has tropical fish? How do you not have tropical fish?"

"We simply don't." Loki stared at him. "A turkey, containing a duck, containing a chicken. Am I understanding that right?"

Tony really wanted to talk about the tropical fish thing. "Uh, yeah, but--"

"I _want_ one." Loki looked fiercely fascinated, glancing around as if one was just going to magically appear. His eagerness was a little creepy. It wasn't like putting one meat inside another was all that new of an idea. "Have one brought forth!"

"I don't just keep them lying around," Tony said, unable to keep from laughing. He felt a little stab of guilt at how easy it was to just slide into this banter. But honestly. _Turducken_. "What the hell do you expect me to do, just dial 1-900-TURDUCKEN-- oh huh, is that a thing? Jarvis, can we dial up a turducken?"

"Unfortunately it seems there is no such service as Dial-A-Turducken, sir. Several grocery brands offer next day delivery--"

"No, not grocery, cooked. Find a restaurant in New York that serves turducken and throw money at them until they bring us one, if that's what it takes. I'm Tony Stark, for the love of--" He paused, looking at the self-proclaimed deity standing in his workshop, and smirked a little. "Well. That."

Loki grinned back at him, looking way too excited at the prospect of the unholy frankenfood coming their way. It was one of the rare moments in which Loki looked completely happy, face softened by the absence of any bitterness or maliciousness.

"Okay, but the tropical fish." Tony reconsidered. "No, on second thought, showers. Earth is the only planet with showers?"

"In most realms it's customary to bathe." Loki half-closed his eyes, looking dreamy. "Here you have so many showers, as if every man should have his own personal heated waterfall."

"How poetic." Tony tugged his bent leg a little closer and left his hands resting on it. "Either I have a whole new appreciation for my shower, or I have a new interest in getting a heated waterfall built. I guess if it's not the Niagara, there's not much point." He paused. "Unless I buy Niagara Falls. Too ostentatious?"

Loki raised his eyebrows in what might be mock-sincerity. "I don't see why. How else would you flaunt the prosperity of your kingdom?"

Sometimes it was really, really hard to tell whether or not Loki was joking.

Tony hummed to himself, swiveling the chair back and forth. "And tropical fish. I admit, I'm having trouble picturing it. Tropical fish don't really go with your whole…" He waved loosely at Loki's leather and metal ensemble. "The bow-down-and-fear-me schtick."

"Mm. Perhaps I can offer a little assistance." Loki made a small gesture, and the workshop came alive.

Bright fish swam through the air in splashes of shimmering color. Tony stood up and took a couple of steps, watching them dart away from him in all directions. A ray lifted up from the floor and glided past his legs, wings rippling in an invisible current.

"Holy…" He trailed off, turning in a slow circle. Something that looked like the fish from _Finding Nemo_ paused in front of his face. It stared at him for a few seconds, then swam off.

Even Dummy was lured out of hiding by the spectacle. With a whirr, he followed a small shoal of tiny red and silver fish before getting tangled up in a clump of seaweed that Tony was pretty sure did not belong in the same ecosystem.

"All right. I'm convinced." He moved to Loki's side, still looking around at the splendor of movement and color. A seahorse drifted nonchalantly past them. "And a little jealous, I won't lie. This is incredible."

Loki's expression dimmed a little and he turned his face away. "It's just a bit of fun."

Oh, not this bullshit. Tony shook his head, taking hold of Loki's arm to get his attention. "Hey. I'm an engineer on a team full of people who are very good at hitting things. Believe me when I say I appreciate something that takes _skill_."

Of course, 'hitting things' was a laughable phrase to describe what the other Avengers did, each of them incredibly skilled in their own ways. Well, maybe not so much the Hulk. The point was, he didn't think Loki needed another person extolling the virtues of being a jock. Loki had a look on his face - eyebrows drawn together, small and half-pleading - as if Tony was the first person to say being good at magic was something to be proud of.

He wasn't actually the first to say it, obviously - Tony didn't believe that for a second. But it sure seemed to be something Loki hadn't been told often. Which made no sense, given the menace his magic made him in a fight.

"Here's something I don't get. I've seen what you can do. I've... been on the receiving end of a lot of it." Tony grimaced, remembering more than one occasion of having his ass handed to him. "So why doesn't that qualify you as a 'great warrior'? Did you just not pay the club fees?"

Loki gestured to send the fish away. "Magic tricks aren't real combat."

"Well, that's the stupidest thing I've ever heard." Tony rolled his eyes and gave Loki's arm a friendly squeeze. "So if I want to take over Asgard, I just make sure to take an army of magicians?"

Loki pulled away from him and took a step backwards. Tony was about to reassure him that it was just a hypothetical, but what if it wasn't? They couldn't count on Asgard to have Earth's best interests at heart. Why Loki gave a damn was an interesting question-- No, however Loki felt about Asgard, he had to know that their political influence was what kept him from being killed.

"No. Only a fool would wage war on Asgard. Even the Vanir at the height of their power could not triumph against the might of warriors like Odin and Tyr." Loki looked tense as hell, even defensive. That wasn't just about political influence. On some level, he was still loyal to Asgard.

And magicians were a threat.

"Huh." Tony filed that information away to think about a little later, just in case. To distract Loki slightly, he said, "So when you dueled Tyr, you didn't use magic?"

"I was still trying to be-- something I could never be." Loki shook his head, a dark look on his face. "The outcome would be very different, were we to fight again."

Tony made a thoughtful noise then started wandering back to his desk, to at least make a pretense at working. "What did he do to piss you off so much, anyway?"

Thor had been pretty squirrelly about it when Tony had asked - and for a straightforward kind of guy, Thor could be evasive as hell when he wanted. The most Tony had got out of him was that there had definitely been a duel, that Tyr had taken his win by knocking Loki unconscious, and that cutting out his tongue was a metaphor - or as Thor put it, Loki 'speaking in riddles'. There was no _why_ to any of it. Tony itched to know more.

"Tyr?" Loki's lips curved in an insincere smile. "I have nothing but the greatest respect for Tyr. He taught us how to fight when Thor and I were young. I learned a great deal from him."

Tony whistled low, dropping back into his chair. "Well, that's loaded. Any chance you'd care to elaborate on that?"

"Not particularly," Loki said, with a hint of amusement. "When will our feast of many birds arrive?"

"Good question. Jarvis, where do we stand on the turducken situation?" Tony pushed his feet against the floor, wheeling himself back behind the desk.

"A young man from Aaron's Gourmet Emporium is delivering one as we speak, sir. Based on current traffic reports and estimated travel times, you can expect his arrival in approximately twenty-two minutes."

"Good, good." Tony drummed his fingers on the desk. Pepper was right; he really needed to stop using Jarvis as a P.A.

"May I suggest, sir, a generous tip would be appropriate. You'll find some bills in the second drawer down on your right, under the set of hex keys."

Tony investigated and found the money exactly where promised, although why he'd shoved cash in there in the first place was a bit of a mystery. "Thanks, Jarvis. Remind me to give you an extra big Christmas bonus this year."

"Your familiar," Loki said abruptly, brows furrowed in confusion. "It is two-sexed? This is new, is it not?"

"What?" Tony blinked, then realized yes, Jarvis had slipped into a higher register there. "Oh, yeah, that's new. He's shifting his vocal range up and down, it's supposed to be subtle."

It was also supposed to be around the people who lived here, not counting Tony himself, which meant Jarvis had taken it upon himself to passive-aggressively troll Loki of his own volition. Well, well; that was interesting.

"Is it…" Loki looked uncharacteristically hesitant. "Is that… your preference? For one to be both? Surely that's not the custom here."

Not 'for both', but 'for one to be both'. That was a weird conclusion to jump to - although apparently not if you were Asgardian. "No, it's not like that, he's just doing it to mess with people's heads. We're, uh, having a bit of a prank war." Tony paused, not sure how much he should say about that.

"A battle of tricks!" Loki paced forward, pointing a finger in accusation. "You weren't going to _tell_ me."

Tony snorted. "No, it's true, I wasn't going to tell the man who _wants to kill my housemates_ that we're having a prank war. Can you blame me?"

"This is unacceptable." Loki came around to Tony's side of the desk and found a clear space on it to sit. "You must tell me what strikes have been made. Who is your strongest opponent?"

This was a terrible idea. Tony looked up at Loki, at the bright enthusiasm on his face. No, absolutely not. There was no way to justify giving Loki a free pass to mess with the Avengers. Even if Loki was basically the god of prank wars. It was wrong. The others would kill him.

If they found out.

Encouraging Loki to have nonviolent hobbies was a good thing, right?

"No magic," he said at last, trying to sound firm. "You're involved in a strictly advisory capacity."

Loki looked gleeful. The worst part was, Tony had actually started to enjoy putting that look on Loki's face. He knew that said terrible things about him as a person. He should hate Loki, he _did_ hate Loki, but at the same time…

"We've had all the easy ones," he said. "Salt and sugar switched, eggs glued into the carton, Steve managed to short-sheet all our beds although I _still_ don't know how he got access to each floor and Jarvis won't tell me--"

Again, Jarvis said, "It would hardly be in the spirit of the game, sir."

Tony pointed upward and pretended to be outraged. "You see? Traitor. Anyway, you know those little greeting cards that play tunes - maybe you don't - someone collected the music chips from a bunch of those and glued them to the hinges of every cupboard in the kitchen." Clint, but he wasn't going to say so out loud. He shouldn't be bringing Loki in, oh, he really shouldn't, but _god of prank wars_.

He was going straight to Hell.

"Bruce tried the old 'look into this microscope with black ink around the eyepiece ohoho' which was quite frankly the work of a rank amateur and I'm deeply disappointed in him. He redeemed himself a little by filling Gatorade bottles with Jell-O and stocking the fridge with them, which I guess is funniest if you understand how badly certain people in this household are addicted to Gatorade." Tony scratched his chin. "I _think_ it was Natasha who got the wall of perspex in the elevator door, which makes her the winner so far, because I walked straight into that damn thing."

Loki laughed. "It sounds likely. She is by far the most cunning of you." _That_ sounded suspiciously like approval.

"Okay, so gimme some ideas." Tony scooted his chair back a little so he could put his feet up on the desk, crossed at the ankles and bumping against Loki's hip. "Wow me."

"I imagine you prefer no harm come to anyone."

"You imagine correctly."

"There are certain potions I made…" Loki looked speculative. "I'm sure you can reproduce the effect. Placed in a chamberpot, so that when your target relieves himself, it froths and foams."

Tony snorted, a few options running through his mind. "Boobytrap the toilets. Check."

"Likewise, the bathing area--"

Tony shook his head. "Showers are on our own floors. We all play a polite little make-believe game called 'Let's Pretend Tony Doesn't Have Complete Tower Access', because people like having the illusion of privacy."

Loki looked like he didn't really understand why Tony wouldn't take full advantage, but all he said was, "That's unfortunate. Sleeping and bathing provide such welcome opportunities." 

"Well, sometimes people fall asleep on the sofas, but… I try to make it a habit not to startle trained killers awake, it's something of a general policy."

"Mm, I confess it is a great deal easier if a large quantity of mead has been consumed beforehand." Loki smirked, mischievous rather than malicious. "Then all that you require is a needle, thread, and the patience to stitch both tunic and trousers to the bed--"

"My god," Tony said, and started laughing at the mental image. Thor - it had almost certainly been Thor - waking up hungover, needing to piss, and sewn to his bed. Probably with a couple of thousand of the world's tiniest stitches. "You're an asshole. A brilliant asshole. Ooh, I bet he was mad."

"Furious," Loki said, looking all too pleased with himself. "And still he did not learn to guard how much he drank."

It was on the tip of Tony's tongue to say he was glad he'd grown up an only child, and then he figured Loki would interpret that in the worst possible way, so he didn't. _Tact._ Pepper would be so proud of him. "I don't think I can pull that one off." It was kind of an unspoken rule that no one got that drunk in the common areas. "But it makes a great story. What else you got?"

Loki tilted his head, smiling in fond memory. "Once when Freya and I were arguing, I enchanted her private chambers so that grass and wildflowers grew from every surface. But you did say no magic."

"Yeah, I can't--" Tony stopped short. "Wait. Yes. Yes, I _can_. They sell sod - turf - whatever the difference is - throw some flowers in - I can absolutely do that." Except… He hesitated. "Thor's going to know you helped."

Loki paused, looking guarded. "Is that a problem?"

"I don't know." It was… complicated. Tony grimaced, trying to figure out how Thor would feel about it. Well, he had to ask about the runes anyway; he could test the waters a little and try to gauge a response. "I'll work it out. Come on, tell me more about your misspent youth."

Loki's expression relaxed again, and he launched into another tale of mischief. It was interesting - okay, _good_ \- to see him smiling for a change while talking about his younger years, bright and animated where he was usually bitter and resentful. At one point he even pushed playfully at Tony's feet, to illustrate a point, and Tony gave a silent mental cheer. Physical contact that wasn't a come-on or a violent threat - progress.

Clint had said once that it was a shame they couldn't have Thor around without Loki - whenever Loki was back on Asgard, Thor went too. Tony kind of wished they could also have _Loki_ around without Loki. He was sliding into a weird kind of doublethink that was probably a small taste of what Thor's headspace must be like.

But there was only one Loki. It was all one package. Violent, crazy, smart, graceful, petty, and yeah, sometimes even fun. But so very, very deadly. Trying to befriend Loki was something like being a lion tamer to a lion that was mean as all hell and equipped with weapons of mass destruction.

That comparison might have gone off the rails a bit somewhere.

Halfway through an elaborate tale involving cows and staircases, Tony got distracted. "Hold on a minute, how do you understand 'why buy the cow' and Thor doesn't? Come to think of it, how are figures of speech actually handled by your Babelfish routine, because it's not just that one - I could swear you understand more than Thor does and that doesn't make any sense."

"Of course it does," Loki said, in that particular tone of voice that made Tony brace himself for incoming magic-babble. "Or will you pretend that none among you have a better grasp of your tongue than any other?"

English had grammar and vocabulary. How was it possible to know more of a language if that 'language' was actually the act of _translation_? But presumably it was translated into something, they couldn't just be speaking in pure concepts… could they?

Damn impossible space vikings.

"In any case," Loki added, "Thor probably understands more than you realize."

That got Tony's attention. "What?"

"He's a fool, but not a complete fool." There was an edge to Loki's voice, but only a small one. So far. "He likes to be underestimated."

Tony whistled, mildly impressed. "That sneaky bastard."

Loki held up a finger. "Oh, no. Shrewd, tactical, perhaps even playful. Sneaky is my domain."

Bitter again. An open wound, and Tony couldn't resist poking at it. "Wow, your posture is really good, considering the size of that chip on your shoulder."

Loki eyed him coldly, then slid down off the desk. "It's not without reason."

He watched Loki pace around the desk and across the workshop floor again, stiff and tense. Maybe another try at that tact thing would be a good idea. "Look, I wasn't there, I don't know, but--"

"That's right," Loki said flatly, back turned to him. "You don't."

Tony took his feet off the desk and sat up a bit straighter. There were a few different tacks he could take with this, but his patience with Loki was short today. "Yeah, expectations. You got pigeonholed."

_Everyone_ got pigeonholed, but that was the thing, Loki was self-centered. He'd either never tried or just stopped bothering to put himself in anyone else's shoes. It showed when he was on the attack, as well; the ways Loki chose to threaten people, or in his little supervillain rants. Loki projected like hell when he was monologuing.

"When I was a kid, everyone knew I was a genius." Tony propped his chin on his hand, watching the stiffness ease out of Loki's form, back to fluid arcs and lines. "I could solve some impossible math problem and get nothing more than a pat on the head because it was expected of me, and I'd have to sit there and watch another kid get praised for what I could do in my _sleep_."

Loki wasn't quite nodding along, but he was clearly buying into it; half-turned back in Tony's direction, receptive and listening.

Tony gave a vicious grin and went in for the kill. "Yeah, it must have been hard for Thor, seeing you get praised for learning to fight when--"

Loki spun around to glare at him, eyes blazing with outrage and fury. "I _never_ \--"

"--The first time you blocked a swing, the first time you landed a hit--"

Loki strode towards him, voice rising sharply. "You ignorant _worm_ , how dare--"

"The first time you lifted an adult's sword." Tony pushed to his feet, leaning both hands on the desk. So maybe he was openly taunting Loki, but hey, he liked to live dangerously, right? "The first time you won a duel--"

Loki looked like he was about half a second from leaping across the desk and crushing his throat. "As if any would even look away from--"

"Don't be so _stupid_!" Tony snarled, and Loki jerked in clear astonishment. Tony leaned forward, pressing his advantage. "You think you're the only one who ever got overlooked? You think Thor never sat in a corner sulking beca--"

"He's not _capable_ ," Loki snapped vehemently, sweeping a hand through the air. "Thor is _good_ and _noble_ -" it was a really impressive sneer - "and thinks only of _family_ and _forgiveness_."

Huh. That was not the part he'd expected Loki to argue with. Tony blinked, studying Loki with renewed focus. "That bugs the hell out of you, doesn't it?"

"He loves a fiction!" Loki curled one hand into a fist, all vibrancy and repressed motion. "A fairy tale of his own invention. I have spent too long _pretending_ and falling short. If I must be a lie, it will at least be on my own terms."

Tony slowly straightened, frowning. "Maybe this is a stupid question, but is _not_ being a lie an option? Like, just being yourself?"

Loki started to laugh, edged with something creepily manic. "I am the _God of Lies_ , you moron. What do you think being _myself_ entails?"

Tony shifted uneasily. Loki gave the most away when he was reactive and emotional, forgetting to be in control. But honestly, whatever he was giving away right now Tony couldn't quite grasp.

One thing seemed clear enough. "Okay, so you think Thor has this perfect fantasy image of you built up in his head, and that's, uh, well, that's partly true, but everyone does that, it's normal. Trust me, I've talked to him, he's plenty capable of finding fault with you."

"Resentment is beyond him," Loki insisted, and bared his teeth. "It takes a child born of monsters to hold such spite in its heart."

Oh, _that_ was what was going on here. Except Loki was talking about childhood, and he hadn't-- "You didn't know--"

"I knew there was something wrong with me, I just didn't know _what_." Loki grimaced as soon as he'd said it, starting to collect himself.

Tony moved around the desk so it wasn't between them, opting for a slightly more cautious approach. "I might be an only child, but I am reliably informed that it's totally normal for brothers to hate each other now and then. I mean, you take the 'wanting each other dead' part kind of literally, but--"

"Oh, yes," Loki muttered, rolling his eyes, "do let's hear about what a tragedy Thor's death would be."

Yep, brittle emotional shields back in place.

Tony tapped his fingers against his leg, considering. To poke or not to poke. Hey, well, cheaper than therapy, right? "I used to wish my dad was dead, when I was a teenager. Practically every other day."

Loki folded his arms across his chest, wary.

"So, then… he died." Tony held Loki's eyes. This was fine. It was just a dull ache, like the arc reactor on a good day: something complicated brute-forced into a body that had no space for it, pushing everything else aside. "And that was the end. We'll never finish any of those conversations we were halfway through. He's never going to look at me and tell me he's proud. There's no chance now that he'll ask for my opinion on something or remember my birthday. I can't hope for any of that. But as long as Thor is still alive, you can still _hope_."

"And what, in all the realms," Loki said, very softly, "makes you think I would want that?"

Oh.

Well. Tony winced a little. He should have seen that coming, really. Hope was a bitch. "Just… think about this, okay? If you're wrong, it would be a shame to find that out when it's already too late."

Loki let out a sigh. "You're being tedious," he said, but strangely there was nothing threatening in it. It must be a good sign, that he was putting up with this shit.

Tony took the minor victory and backed off. "All right, well, at least tell me how the cow thing ended."

Loki looked cautious, like the easy change of subject might be a trap. "I was given five lashes and made to muck out the stables for a month. But Fandral couldn't bear milk for three, so I was generally considered victorious."

Tony was never going to get used to the casual way Loki and Thor talked about whippings. It wasn't like he'd never earned a spanking himself, and hell, he was lucky his school had done away with the paddle just a year or two before he'd got there. Just. _Whips_. It seemed on a different level, for all that Thor insisted it was nothing serious.

Not that that had stopped him from looking up a few videos online, and apparently dark-haired guys being sultry and menacing was a _thing_ for him now. But that was different, and more than a little fucked up, and the kind of thing he should definitely not be thinking about in Loki's presence.

Tony made himself focus on the conversation at hand. "What happened to the cow?"

Loki flashed an impish smile. "Well, they couldn't make it go down the stairs, so Fandral and Volstagg found a length of rope and lowered it out the window. Much to its displeasure."

Tony laughed so hard he had to put a hand on the desk for balance. "That's _fantastic_."

God, Loki looked so _young_ when he looked pleased like that. At least when Steve had moments of looking all fresh-faced and doe-eyed, they were justified by the fact that he actually _was_ a decade or two younger than Tony. Loki was older than windmills, for Christ's sake. It was criminally unfair.

"Sir, you have a call from Reception."

Turducken. Tony waved a hand in the air. "Put it through."

"Mister Stark?" A young woman's voice, Andy or Sandy or Madison, dammit, he was trying to be better at this name thing. "There's a gentleman here with a delivery for you; he says you wanted it as soon as possible."

"If it's made of meat, send him on up to the workshop."

"Right away, Mister Stark."

Tony went for the cash Jarvis had located; he didn't know what an appropriate tip was for impromptu turducken delivery, so he just grabbed the whole lot. Make some kid's day. He pointed at Loki. "You. I'm going to the elevator and you're going to stay out of sight. Don't torture Dummy while I'm gone. Actually, don't torture Dummy at all, but. You know what I mean. Stay out of trouble."

Loki showed his palms and looked as innocent as he was capable of, which was not very. Tony snorted and went to meet the delivery guy.

\--

Later, Tony went to talk to Thor.

The side of his neck felt hot. He kept having to fight the urge to touch it, to curl his hand around it in recreation of Loki's fleeting clasp. After they'd finished eating, he'd told Loki to take the leftovers - because hell if he was explaining to everyone else why there was half a turducken in the fridge - and Loki had thanked him in an oddly formal way for sharing his table, and reached out--

The thing was. The thing was, the neck-clasping, it was an Asgardian thing, he knew that. It was a purely Asgardian gesture, which meant it wasn't tailored for him, it was just something Loki had wanted to do. Tony's mind kept replaying it, and over and over he kept coming to the conclusion that Loki actually liked him.

Or... no. Or it was just what Loki wanted him to think.

He could totally see why it was a thing, on Asgard. It was… _intimate_. Thinking about it too much made him feel unsteady and kind of loose in his skin. He didn't know what to think, and he didn't know how to react - it would be best if it was just part of Loki's scheming. If Loki _liked_ him then Loki had something to lose, and Loki did unpredictable, irrational shit when he felt threatened.

Oh, god, he was in so over his head.

Tony's fingers brushed the side of his neck and he wrenched his hand back down. Jesus Christ, he had the worst taste sometimes. Loki was not an okay person. Loki was a genocidal asshole and that didn't change just because he turned the sad eyes on.

Then there was Thor. Thor was in jeans and a flannel shirt when Tony arrived to talk to him, which infinitely improved his day. Thor in flannel was one of his favorite things to look at. He blatantly encouraged Thor to wear flannel at every opportunity, much to Thor's amusement. And the best thing was - the best two things - Thor didn't want to commit genocide, and Thor didn't try to get into his pants. God, those should be required criteria for everyone. Well, except Pepper, but the genocide thing should probably still apply, because Pepper was amazingly competent and that would just end badly for everyone.

So, Thor. Tony handed him a tablet with the runes Loki had drawn and watched Thor make a very complicated expression. Thor had a whole set of them that seemed to be reserved solely for things involving Loki.

"Is it safe? Can you tell?"

"Yes," Thor said, handing the tablet back. "I've seen it before. It's simple enough; it grants favor in battle, nothing more. How did Loki come to give you this?"

"Um." Tony hadn't realized quite how supremely awkward this was going to be. "I asked."

"I… see." Again with the complicated faces. After a pause, Thor said, "Is… is he well?"

Tony grimaced, rocking his hand from side to side in the air. "He's not horribly injured, if that helps. He's still all fucked up on the inside. I don't know what you want me to say here, buddy."

"No. Neither do I." Thor looked distant for a moment, sad, then seemed to recollect himself and gestured Tony to a chair. He took the seat opposite, a small table between them. "How goes your work? You have been improving your armor, I take it?"

"Yeah, it's about time for an upgrade. Just throwing a few ideas around." Tony weighed up the idea of telling Thor how happy Loki had looked, talking about pranks. Whether it would make Thor smile, or just be rubbing it in. "The, uh, the topic of our prank war may have come up, with your brother."

Thor gave an alarmed sort of laugh. "I hope you are not averse to livestock, my friend."

"That came up, too," Tony admitted with a grin. And if he found himself having to clean cowpats out of his tower - well, okay, have someone else clean cowpats out of his tower, the principle was the same - he knew exactly who to blame. "I thought I might use a couple of his ideas." He watched Thor closely.

"Then we are in for some fine jests," Thor said gamely, but his smile wasn't anywhere near full thunder-power.

Dammit. There were circumstances in which Tony would not object to being in the middle of a pair of hot brothers, but this was not one of them. --And _that_ was a thought that was going to stick with him. Way to be inappropriate. "Well, I don't know, it was just a thought."

Thor shook his head. "You should. Loki has always had a knack for mischief. I'm sorry for the tenor of my mood, Tony; it's just that I had always thought those were happy times and since this… since this madness of my brother's I no longer know what to think. I confess it weighs upon my heart."

They all agreed Loki was crazy, but it wasn't often Thor referred to it outright like that. It made Tony shift with a low thrum of guilt, an uncomfortable pressure in his chest. If he could have given this morning to Thor, he would have. It was going to take time.

"For what it's worth," he offered, "they seemed like good memories."

Thor raised his eyes to Tony's. "That is worth a great deal. Thank you."

Tony still felt kind of like a thief.

"Great," he said out loud, "but maybe we can not mention this whole thing to the others, since… you know. No offense."

Of all things, that actually made Thor smile properly, for all that it was wry. "Since they would not appreciate Loki's involvement? Have no fear. They will not hear of it from me."

Well, that settled that. Tony leaned back in his chair, vaguely satisfied. On impulse, he said, "What do you think of tropical fish?"

Thor cocked his head, considering that. After some thought he ventured, "I do not think I have eaten one. Are they very tasty, these fish?"

Tony was weirdly disappointed and not quite sure why. He grinned instead and said, "I don't think so. Never mind, not the point. I have another magic question. At least, I think. For all I know it was complete bullshit. Is there a kind of magic that's just… making stuff? Not magically making stuff, but just building it or I guess forging and then it comes out magic good _god_ this is the stupidest thing I have ever said."

"Not at all," Thor said, looking pleased as he always did when the subject was something he could talk knowledgeably about. He braced his forearms on the table. "You speak of the master craftsmen, artisans of great skill and power. The craftsmen of most renown come from the dwarves of Svartalfheim, but to my knowledge they may be of any race."

Well… damn. "So, in theory, someone from Earth could be a… craftsman. Of magic."

Goddamn, but Loki was a pain in his ass.

"Indeed," Thor said. "Why do you ask?"

Tony groaned and rubbed his face. "I'm pretty sure Loki's just screwing with my head because he knows I think magic is creepy. I would know if I made magic robots. I hate that I even used the phrase 'magic robots'."

Thor fucking _recoiled_. He stared at Tony in outright horror. "You… you are a craftsman? And Loki _knows_ this?"

"Uh," Tony said intelligibly. He could feel that familiar panic of knowing he was in trouble but not knowing quite why. "Is that bad?"

"N… no," Thor said, not very convincingly. "Forgive me. It is simply that he… no, let me explain."

"Please do," Tony said, already hating pretty much every aspect of this conversation. The flannel shirt had promised such good things. The flannel shirt was a dirty liar.

Thor curled one of his hands into a loose fist and put it on the table between them. "A craftsman can make great and powerful objects." Another fist. "A sorcerer, in his own way, can do the same." He uncurled both hands and laced his fingers together tightly. "But if they work their powers together, the potential of their creation is beyond imagining."

Fuck _no_. "Loki can make weapons with my _stuff_?" Tony demanded, half out of his seat. He didn't know where he thought he was going to go but this was _not supposed to happen again_ , he'd fucking stopped his entire company in its tracks and turned it around to stop this happening again, and he'd let Loki touch Dummy, god, if Loki had done anything to Dummy he was going to shoot the bastard right in the face. He felt sick.

"Only with your cooperation," Thor said, and Christ, it might have been a good idea to _lead_ with that.

"Fuck's sake," Tony grumbled, falling back into his seat. Shit, no wonder Loki was trying to get him on side. "Don't scare me like that."

"Forgive me," Thor said again. He still looked shaken, hunched in on himself. "You must be on your guard, though. Loki knows he can join his skills to another's. He has done it once before."

Tony folded his arms across the arc reactor, slouching uneasily. "Why do I get the feeling this story doesn't have a happy ending?"

Thor smiled unhappily. "It does not. There was a terrible accident. A good man died."

Tony tried to remember what Loki had said, talking about craftsmen. "Is that why the dwarves don't trust him?"

Thor huffed a laugh. "The dwarves don't trust him because he continually tries to deceive them. No, the craftsman he worked with was a storm giant - I know not how he gained the creature's cooperation. Although I suppose he could have promised whatever he liked."

"Right, God of Lies."

"That, too," Thor agreed. "I meant that oaths to a storm giant are not protected by law."

"That's one way to kill repeat--" Tony stopped short. Hold up. He narrowed his eyes at Thor. "You wanna elaborate on that? My grasp of Asgardian contract law is a little rusty."

Thor looked mildly surprised. "Obviously, oaths among Asgardians are taken seriously. A matter of honor."

"Obviously," Tony echoed.

"But a giant has no standing. An oath made to a giant is as a promise made to the empty wind."

Tony was pretty sure he knew where this was going, but he had to make sure. "Any giant?"

"Yes," Thor said, looking at him strangely.

"A frost giant?"

"Of course."

Oh, for crying out loud. Tony fought the urge to beat his head against the table. "Thor. _Loki_. Is a _frost giant_."

It wasn't just that Loki thought he was subhuman - sub-Asgardian, whatever - it was an _actual legal position_. What a trainwreck. And there was no way in hell Tony was going to ask if it extended to races other than giants. Like, say, humans.

"By accident of birth only," Thor said, a little heated. "In spirit he is Aesir. He is the son of Odin. He is as Asgardian as any of us."

"He doesn't _know_ that." Tony was sure of it. "He doesn't trust you not to treat him like any other frost giant."

"Then perhaps he should stop acting like one," Thor snapped, and then looked so immediately guilt-stricken that it was almost hilarious.

"Okay, okay. Let's just… cool our heads." Tony took a deliberate breath and let it out. He was not actually trying to make Thor feel bad. He was just getting a handle on this. "Loki's Asgardian. Is that by law?"

"Yes," Thor said firmly. "He was adopted by Asgardians; he is Asgardian."

"Is that permanent? Can he be un-adopted?"

Thor scowled, but kept his voice calm. "If we have not renounced him by now, he must surely realize we will not."

Tony refrained from pointing out that Loki was not always strictly in touch with reality. "But _technically_ , he can be made not an Asgardian anymore?"

"We would never--"

" _Thor._ "

Thor sighed. "Yes," he admitted reluctantly.

And Loki knew it. And... Loki kept insisting Odin wasn't his father. "He's getting in first," Tony murmured. "You push someone away before they can turn on you. He's trying to renounce _himself_ so that he doesn't spend all his time waiting for the other shoe to drop."

"But there is no need for it," Thor said, grief plain on his face. "If he would only believe he is loved--"

Catch-22. Tony laughed because it fucking hurt. "He can't believe you, Thor, because he knows _you don't have to honor oaths to a frost giant_."

Thor looked miserable. Ten points to Tony. He should probably quit while he was behind. At least Thor was going away this weekend, visiting his sexy astrophysicist; Tony was assured she was a much less depressing conversationalist. He wished _he_ was going away this weekend, instead of letting Pepper drag him to this charity dinner.

God, he hated charity events. Everyone congratulating him like giving money away was some kind of fantastic accomplishment.

He picked his tablet back up off the table and fiddled with it. "Sorry. I'm kind of a jerk. I don't listen to that little voice that tells people when to shut up. On the upside, _I_ believe you love me, that's gotta count for--"

"That voice," Thor said, giving him a steely look. "I think I hear it speaking to you now."

Hard to argue with that. Tony coughed and attempted to redirect the conversation. "Anyway. You're sure Loki can't mess with my stuff without me letting him?"

Thor nodded. "I am certain. It requires your willing cooperation."

Okay, good. Good.

"Either the magics are joined together during the making - more than simple runes, I speak of long hours of enchantment - or the craftsman must work with the sorcerer in mind, to prepare the way."

Not good.

"So what you're saying is," Tony said slowly, "I'd have to build or program something personally, with the specific intention for him to use it."

That sneaky, conniving, goddamn _son of a bitch_.

"Precisely," Thor said, giving him a reassuring smile.

"Right." Tony nodded. Then he nodded again. "Yeah. We might have a problem."

\--

"I'm sorry," said Steve, "but it sounded like you just said you gave Loki a magic cellphone."

" _Inadvertently_ ," Tony repeated. "I really feel that can't be stressed enough. It's probably not even magic, we only have Loki's word to go on, and isn't it just a _little_ farfetched to think there's anything more to my tech than good old-fashioned science?"

"I hate to feed your ego," Clint said, slouched comfortably across the meeting table, "but no one here actually finds that farfetched but you."

"Um, Bruce does," Tony said, pointing. "Also, that's not feeding my ego, that's insulting, I'm insulted. I don't need _mysterious powers_ ," he wiggled his fingers, "to do what I do."

Bruce shifted in his seat and looked guilty. "Tony, you developed an AI that can not only pass the Turing test, it can successfully apply the Turing test to other AIs. You-- you have to admit there may be something to this."

"You have betrayed me," Tony told him. "I'm never doing science with you again. Steve, you're my new favorite Avenger. Eight p.m. tonight, bring your pyjamas, we're having a pillowfight."

Steve ignored that, unfortunately. "Is this part of the prank war? Because if so, good job, you got us, but now would be a really good time to--"

"Sorry," Tony said. "Prank-free. Although on that note, you might want to check your punching bags because I think my _former_ favorite Avenger said something about a bag of flour."

Bruce shot him a dirty look.

Natasha cleared her throat, leaning forward. An eyebrow arched and steel in her voice, she said, "I'm more interested in the part where you gave Loki anything at all."

"Is that aiding and abetting?" Clint tipped his chair back, balancing it on two legs. "I mean, should we be arresting Tony for treason? Tony, if we turn you in can I have the Maserati?"

"Like hell," Tony said, folding his arms.

Steve nudged Clint in the side. "I'll flip you for it."

" _Hey_ ," Tony said indignantly. So much for 'new favorite Avenger'. "You're supposed to be the _nice_ one!"

Steve looked completely unrepentant, while Natasha pointedly cleared her throat again.

Tony sighed. "Look, we made a stupid bet that he couldn't pull off his next whatever-the-hell without killing anybody. Then he went to Asgard and stole a telescope and came back and nobody died, and you know, a cellphone didn't seem like that big of a deal in exchange for him _not killing_ a bunch of people."

"And that didn't tip you off?" Bruce said skeptically.

Tony threw his hands in the air. "I thought he was trying to lull me into a false sense of security!"

"Well, _apparently_ it didn't take much lulling," Clint shot back.

Tony tipped his head back and silently counted to ten, before he said something he was going to regret. There was so much he didn't want to give away - like that Loki wanted to turn him evil, or that he actually kind of _liked_ the slippery bastard - and these were all very, very smart people.

The worst part was, Loki hadn't even asked for a custom phone. If Tony had just bought him some crappy little burner phone, none of this would be an issue. But oh no, he'd had to make something _special_ , because he was Tony Stark and he had to _show off_ \- and Loki had counted on that. Had played him like a fiddle, played him utterly.

It was infuriating - but mostly because it made the competitive part of his brain light up like Christmas. Maybe that was the self-destructive part. There was a lot of overlap.

After a pause, Natasha said, "Given the information you had at the time, it was a reasonable call."

"Well, _thanks_ ," Tony said, and made a show of rolling his eyes indignantly, but something in him eased to hear it. Especially from Natasha, who knew psychological warfare the way Tony knew circuits and Clint knew arrows and trajectories.

"Now we need to do damage control." She turned slightly. "Thor, what can you tell us about this kind of magic? What can Loki actually do?"

Thor had been sitting at the end of the table looking pensive. Now, he finally spoke up. "By the nature of his relation to it, he can augment its powers. He cannot alter the nature of the thing. Bend its purpose, perhaps, but not turn it to something else entirely. Beyond that, I am not certain. I would have to consult someone who knows of these sorceries."

Not a weapon. Tony was really hoping that meant it was not a weapon.

Bruce was the one who voiced that thought, more or less: "So, it really is a super-powered magic cellphone?"

Thor looked a little worried, but nodded. "I believe so, yes."

"Well… how bad can that be?" Steve said, looking around the table. "I mean, Tony, what can you use your cell for?"

Tony winced. Bruce and Clint groaned.

"It's not that bad," Tony said, with a confidence he didn't really feel.

Bruce looked at him in disbelief. "Tony, you can basically run the world from your cellphone. I've seen you."

"Well--" Tony couldn't really argue that. "That's true. But if he was going to, I don't know, turn CNN into the Loki's Ego Network, don't you think he'd have done it by now?"

He could see Steve open his mouth to ask whether he could actually take over CNN, and then jump like Clint had just kicked him under the table, probably for fear of giving Tony ideas. Please. As if he hadn't thought of hacking CNN's feed years ago. Pepper had made him promise not to. She made him renew that promise pretty regularly, too.

Bruce groaned again and sank his face into his hands. "This is ludicrous," he said, a little muffled. "I can't believe this is an actual conversation."

Nobody said anything for a moment. Tony was pretty sure that was because they were all busy silently agreeing.

"Hey, I've got a question," Clint said then. He sat up, letting his chair fall back to all four feet, and looked directly at Tony. "What's his cell number?"

Warning bells. "I don't think I should tell you," Tony said carefully. "Any of you. -- _Especially_ you, Thor, no, don't give me that face."

Natasha looked thoughtful. "Go on."

"If you call him, he'll just change the number and we'll lose what we've got. I put a tracker in it and he disabled it. I can't locate it by satellite. I put spy software on and it's not logging any data. We have one useful thing and it's that number. I don't think we should risk it."

Natasha was nodding, like she'd already come to that conclusion and just wanted to hear what he'd say.

"Tony's right," Steve said, with a little sigh. "I don't like it, but…"

"So, what, exactly?" Clint said, and it was clear by the set of his face he'd gone into agent-mode. "You're text buddies now?"

There was no good answer to that question. Deflect, deflect, deflect. "Maybe if he gets hooked on Angry Birds he'll be too busy to make trouble."

Bruce came to his rescue, intentionally or not, by getting Thor's attention. "How powerful are we actually talking? Should we be expecting a regular cellphone with an extra-long battery life, or something more like the Tesseract with a keypad?"

"Nothing even approaching the Tesseract's power," said Thor, thank _fuck_. "No disrespect to Tony - your skill is truly great, but you and my brother could combine your talents many times over and never even hope to create such an artifact."

"I'm okay with that," Tony said firmly, and just as firmly crushed the little voice in the back of his head wondering exactly what he _could_ achieve if he and Loki put their heads together. There would be no putting together. None.

"It is hard to say. I am not a mage, and I know not what power Tony gave the device before Loki received it," and Thor looked expectantly at Tony, as if there was supposed to be an answer to that.

"I don't know either," Tony reminded him, "since I wasn't aware I was even _doing magic_. For the record, I'm taking that as a personal betrayal. The doing magic, not the not knowing. I don't know who to blame, but when I figure it out, they're going to suffer."

Steve leaned forward a little. "Thor, can you make a guess?"

Thor hesitated, then let out a breath. Finally he said, "I would guess... a little more powerful than Mjölnir. But perhaps more than that. Perhaps less, if fortune smiles on us."

"More powerful than the hammer that _changes weather systems_ ," Clint said flatly. "Stark, I've got to hand it to you, you've really outdone yourself."

"Inadvertently," Tony said again, just to get it out there. "Let's all remember that part. And it's not like it's all that hard to summon lightning. Give me a rocket, or the right kind of laser, or, hell, a _metal suit flying through the air_."

Okay, there did kind of need to be a thunderstorm in place first. And when the suit got hit by lightning, it was generally not on purpose. (He was lucky that the arc reactor was able to take on and redistribute energy, and less lucky but more deliberately smart in that the whole thing worked like a Faraday suit to protect him.) The point was… he didn't know what the point was. 'More powerful than Mjölnir' kind of depended on how powerful you thought Mjölnir actually was.

…He had to admit, it was pretty damn powerful.

Well, shit.

Bruce took his glasses off and squeezed the bridge of his nose. "Essentially, we have a whole lot of suppositions and conjecture."

Natasha clasped her hands together on the table. "Thor, you mentioned consulting someone who knew more. Someone on Asgard?"

"I will return and seek answers," Thor confirmed, although he looked kind of disappointed. Oh, this was going to screw up his vacation plans. That sucked.

Natasha looked at Clint next. "SHIELD's got contacts we can pursue - we'll keep it strictly theoretical," she added, at the look on Tony's face. "We need to know what we might be dealing with."

"And Tony can ask Loki," Steve said drily, leaning back in his chair.

Tony made a face at him, but Bruce was saying, "Actually, that's a good idea."

Seriously? Tony raised an eyebrow at him. "Yeah, I'm sure he'll be really forthcoming."

"Maybe he'll want to gloat." Bruce shrugged slightly. "He's the person best positioned to know exactly what its capabilities are."

"You do realize he's just going to lie to my face, right?" Tony shrugged back. "Sure, what the hell, I'll ask Loki. Maybe if I ask really nicely, he'll give it back."

Clint was watching him, eyes narrowed a little. "How often are you and Loki actually talking?"

Danger, Will Robinson. Tony carefully didn't look at Thor. "I don't know, every now and then he comes around and threatens to kill me. Do you want me to ask Jarvis how many hearts I drew in my diary?"

"You seem pretty blasé about it."

Tony deliberately misinterpreted him. "Yeah, well, death threats aren't exactly a new experience for me."

"Hm," said Clint, and the cool, thoughtful look in his eyes didn't bode well.

That was about it for the meeting, bar a few more comments at Tony's expense. He made sure to catch Natasha's eye, and she lingered as the others drifted off.

Tony waited to be sure they were alone, and even then he couldn't bring himself to ask his question right away. He tried sidling up to it. "Speaking of magic. It's not taken all that seriously on Asgard, right? I guess, if you have almighty god powers, it loses some of its pizzazz. Anyway, Loki wanted to make it _very_ clear that Asgard could fend off any magical attack. Like… _emphatically_ clear."

Natasha raised her eyebrows, catching his meaning. " _Ah._ Well, that's good to know. For Asgard."

Tony drummed his fingers on the table, steeling himself. He trusted Natasha's opinion, but asking out loud made it uncomfortably real. "Hypothetically. If we kill Loki, do you think Asgard will _actually_ declare war? Obviously we can't have a full-blown trial and execution, but if there was a rogue scapegoat, someone who could take responsibility…"

"Believe it or not," Natasha said wryly, "we have actually run through these scenarios. The main problem is the level of monitoring Asgard has available to them." She flicked her eyes up to the ceiling the way people usually did when they were talking about Jarvis.

"Right." Loki had just been talking that morning about why he never tried to deny responsibility for his pranks, and Tony had already forgotten the name of the guy. "The all-seeing, uh, what was…"

"Heimdall," she filled in.

"Heimdall, right." Tony looked upwards and then tossed off a sarcastic wave, just on principle. "You'd think if they cared so much they could share some of that surveillance info with the people who are actually _dealing_ with their runaway prince."

"No one likes sharing power," Natasha said, with a resigned shrug. "As to your question, they've given every indication they're quite serious about the threat. If there's any suggestion of conspiracy or deception, they'll take it as an act of war."

Tony thought about that, and thought about the possibility that right now someone was watching from above - or across, or wherever the hell Asgard was in relation to Earth. "How do you think they'd react if there was an _actual_ rogue agent? Or if someone did it in self-defense? Interplanetary war seems a little extreme, and it's not like they sent him bodyguards or anything."

Or, wait, if someone could beat Loki in a _duel_ , one hundred percent Asgard legal…

"It's hard to say," Natasha said evenly. "I'm sure we're all hoping we don't have to find out."

The meaning in her gaze was clear; she was thinking the same thing he was. It wasn't that they couldn't set something up - they just had to be very, very careful not to get caught.

Tony tried not to think about Loki's palm curled around his neck in affection.

"Tony," Natasha said, tilting her head at him, "has something changed?"

_Is everything okay,_ her tone asked.

Good question. Tony had no idea what he was doing, but that wasn't new; he'd jumped into this endeavor half-blind. This… magic thing was an issue, and one he really wasn't happy about, but now that he knew about it he could make sure not to give Loki anything else.

"No, everything's fine," he said finally. "I was just wondering, you know how it is."

"Okay." Natasha put a hand on his shoulder on her way past. "If you need to talk, come find me," she said softly, and then slipped out the door.

If anyone would understand, it would be Natasha. For a moment, Tony really, really wished he dared. She'd worked undercover, a lot - surely she'd seen a good side to one of her targets. Even just once. She was a good agent, but she wasn't inhuman. She'd know how to deal with it.

But even if he could believe she wouldn't run straight to Fury, how could he tell her he was starting to like the guy who'd brainwashed her best friend? The guy who'd killed dozens of her coworkers? How could he look her in the eye and tell her--

He was walking a very fine line. If he fell, all he could do was cross his fingers and hope it wasn't too far to the ground.

\--

**Author's Note:**

> The turducken has a long and noble history. Although American turducken was popularized in the mid 1980s, the practice of stuffing birds into progressively larger birds has been around since ancient Roman times. One recipe, from France in 1807, includes seventeen different species of bird, for those who have nothing better to do all day than insert meat into different meat.
> 
> Congratulations, you now know more than you ever needed to know about turducken. Also, you can put it in a mudfish.


End file.
